One of the keys to having a long and successful marriage is for a husband to develop the ability to understand the words spoken by his wife.

It is a universal truth, long accepted by the male species, that women can say one thing and mean something else.  One only has to consider the use of the word “fine” to validate this marital axiom.  Whenever a wife responds by saying “fine,” a husband’s happiness radar should sound the alarm. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

Fine can mean anything from “That’s ok, no problem” to “Go ahead, Buster, but my revenge will be sweet.” If spoken with a tinge of sarcasm, the word usually signals that this conversation is over, and I (the wife) am right and I don’t want to talk anymore.

Similar expressions like “nothing,” “whatever,” and “go ahead” carry similar insinuations that, left undetected, may find the hubby sleeping on the couch that evening. Yes, every husband on his wedding day ought to receive a dictionary of all the possible meanings of any words spoken by his spouse, especially those conveyed with layers of sarcasm, restrained rage, or passive-aggressive tones.  Better yet, there ought to be classes in school for men on how to recognize the subtle and not-so-subtle signals a wife gives when engaged in conversation.  

I probably would flunk that course.

For example, it has taken me years to realize I have a middle name.  For my entire life, whenever I filled out a form, I would leave the “middle name” section blank.  I have a first name and last name.  I even have a suffix (III) as I share the same name as my father and grandfather.  I have a nickname (Buddy) by which most people know me.  But I do not have a middle name.  

Now I do.

It took a while, but I recently recognized that my wife has been telling me that my middle name is “Someone.”  For years, my language-discerning skills were found wanting as I had no idea what she meant when she said, 

“Someone needs to clean the garage.”  

“Someone needs to take out the trash.”

“Someone needs to cut the grass.”  

“Someone needs to take the dog for a walk.”

Then, one day the bells began to ring: ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

The light finally came on, and a voice from my inner self, with all the subtleness of a bucket of ice water to my napping face, shouted,  “You, are that Someone.”

As if I needed any further confirmation, recently, one of my granddaughters spent a night with us.  Upon arrival, she declared, “Someone needs to play with me.”  My wife looked at me and just smiled.

In the future, should you see my signature and I write the initial S between my first name and last name, you will know that I am “Someone” who has learned to listen…and obey.

Note: My spouse approved this message.  In fact, she said, “Someone” should write about this.