I figure it’s time for a less-than-serious reflection on the lifestyles of the Medicare generation.

The weeks following last year’s knee surgery is the inspiration for this post.

With limited mobility and the usual aches and pains that follow surgery, I found myself watching more television than normal — my normal being not so much.  Given the quality of current TV programming, I have resorted to watching the classic 1950 and 1960 oldie-but-goodie shows from my youth.  Yea, ok, call me nostalgic.  

The following observations are the result of a creative mind held hostage in a post-surgical body with too much time on his hands.

My expanded television viewing habits noticed something funny about commercials.  The vast majority of them involved personal injury lawyers, medicare supplements, or pharmaceuticals.  It was the drug companies that really caught my ear.  I became fascinated by the plethora of drug commercials and how almost all of the drug names involved three syllables along with images of very happy people now enjoying life thanks to this new medication. The ads always concluded with an encouraging note for you to “ask your doctor about...” right before the fast-speaking caveat warning, usually in fine print, that this drug may cause vomiting, diarrhea, rashes, dizziness, blood clots, paralysis, and sometimes death. Oh yea, I’ll take some of that!

Still, I wondered, how do they come up with these three-syllable names?  Ozempic, Rebelsus, Levitra, Dovato, Lipitor, Nucala, Trelegy, Nubeqa, Victoza, Xarelto, Celebrex, Vabysmo, Jardiance, Prevagen and the list goes on.  Come to find out, drug companies pay big bucks to marketing firms to come up with a distinctive, snappy, memorable name.  And then billions to advertise them on direct-to-consumer advertising. Who knew?

Apparently, there are rules or guidelines that companies must follow:

1. The name can’t sound or look like another drug product.
2. The name cannot mislead by implying uniqueness or superiority.
3. The name should lend itself to being easily pronounced in other languages. So the letters “H,” “J,” and “W” are avoided because they are often hard to pronounce in other languages. 
4. Names should have a positive tone. For example, Victoza sounds a lot like Victory. Oh, but be sure to avoid anything that sounds scary.
5. It’s ok to sound hi-tech and science-based.  Hence, the letters “Q,” “X,” “Y” and “Z” often appear in brand names.  They have the added benefit of being original and standing out since the letter “Q” is used three times as often as words in the English language, while “X” is used 16 times more often and “Z” more than 18 times. 
6. On the other hand, pharmaceutical products for women may include “S,” “M,” or “L” because they produce a softer sound.

I have yet to hear why they tend to be three syllables, other than the obvious observation that three syllables roll off the tongue easier, and some of us struggle with four or more syllable words.

So, I have decided to offer my services to frustrated pharmaceutical companies by providing an easy-to-use, free-of-charge Drug Naming Table in the hopes that the cost of drugs may be reduced by not having to spend so much money on marketing companies to develop names.

Here’s how it works.  See the Drug Naming Table below.  Select any item in column A, any item in Column B, and any item in Column C, put them together, you have a potential drug name faster than you can say Medicare Supplement.  Just be sure it has not already been used.

Drug Naming Table

Column A	Column B	Column C
Tre	al	pic
Nu	le	A
Lip	cal	gy
Le	bec	tor
Re	toz	us
O	vi	tra
Vic	bel	qa
Zu	zem	za
Qu	ral	O
Xa	ag	ca
Hu	mir	to
Vi	jar	ra
Ci	i	Is
Pre	bys	mo
Yu	va	gen

For example:  Select “Zu” from column A, “bec” from column B and “tra” from column C.  Voila you now have your new drug name — Zubectra.  

But don’t be surprised. Since these brand names will never go away, the naming process will need to eventually expand to four or five-syllable words.

If the above table doesn’t catch on, that’s ok.  I will take comfort that the table can always be used to name the faraway planets visited on Star Wars or Star Trek.  Can’t you hear Captain Kirk saying, “Scottie, beam me down to Zubectra.”