What Is It with Women and Pillows?

Surveys by the National Sleep Foundation indicate that the average American family has 2.2 pillows per bed. Sounds about right to me. Or so I thought.

As a widower for six years, I slept in a bed with a single pillow. When I occasionally made the bed up, I placed two sleeping pillows and 2 decorative ones on top. Yes, even I possess a modicum of decorative sense. But after my recent marriage I discovered that my new bride has not two, not four, not six pillows on our bed, but eleven. Enough to form an entire football team.

It gets better.

Since I am retired and she is still working, guess who makes the bed up EVERY morning. You guessed it. And guess how many pillows I have to arrange IN ORDER on the bed EVERY morning. Yep, eleven. Yet before I could even say a word or offer an opinion as to the copious amount of pillowness adorning our bed, my wife pointed out that I failed to read the fine print in our marriage vows. The said fine print stipulating that said new husband would make the bed up daily and do so without complaint as to the number of pillows involved. I did have to marry a paralegal, didn’t I?

During these past few weeks, I have pondered the reasons why women in general and one in particular, might have a thing for pillows on a bed. My daily moment of contemplation usually occurs soon after I get out of bed, if you get my drift. So I have come up with eleven reasons (one for each pillow) why women have a love affair with overstuffed pillowcases.

  1. They believe we have an excess of Down feathers and they need to be put somewhere.
  2. They want to be prepared in case we break out into a pillow fight.
  3. Women are really birds in disguise and pillows are their way of building a nest.
  4. Someday pillows may become currency and they just want to be prepared.
  5. Pillows are the adult version of teddy bears.
  6. They feel guilty at accidentally ordering a case of pillowcases and are looking for ways to justify the purchase.
  7. Women just like to be surrounded by things they can cuddle and snuggle. Who knew I had competition.
  8. They delight in seeing men in those no-win situations facing the inevitable quandary of quandaries “Where do I put the pillows? My wife loves these pillows but where do I put them when I want to go to bed? On the floor? In the closet? Under the bed? Arghhh!”
  9. Women possess a chef’s mindset and like to add garnish to everything, i.e., parsley on a plate, pillows on a bed.
  10. She really just wants me to get more exercise so taking off eleven pillows every night only to put them back in place, in order, every morning serves as a form of bedroom calisthenics.
  11. Just in case we want to play hide and seek, we never have to leave the bed.

Now, excuse me. Before I dare offer any further opinions on bed skirts or fitted sheets, I need to go read the fine print in those marriage vows, that is, if I can find them.

ps: I should acknowledge that my wife approved this Reflection but with the added suggestion that Georgia Tech should have required every left-brain student like myself to have attended a class titled “Decorating-with-Pillows 101”.

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