I saw a t-shirt recently that read, “Real Men Pray.”  I chuckled at the irony.

It wasn’t long ago when a “real man” was defined by his strength, attractiveness to women, and financial success.  Masculinity was viewed through the lens of abs, muscles, and dollar bills.

Growing up in the 1950s and 1960s, media and film provided ample male protagonists who influenced young men like me as to what a real man was. For many, James Bond was the personification of suave, debonair, and cool. Hugh Hefner and his Playboy magazine also played a role in crafting the image of a manly man — not exactly the best role models.

In more recent times, masculinity has been demonized as toxic. The concept of what it means to be a real man became confused and distorted.  No wonder this generation of men struggles to understand what being a real man is.  Some can’t even define what a woman is, no wonder they debate what a real man is.

Before we can say what real men do, we must first define what a real man is.

I suggest that a “real man” is a responsible, disciplined individual who shows integrity, accountability, and compassion, taking ownership of his actions, and treating others with respect, especially family and loved ones. He is honest, keeps his promises, and works hard to provide for his family. He is a man of faith who seeks to walk in a way that pleases the Lord.

My first firm grasp of what a real man looked like came from a surprising source — reading the Western fiction novels of Louis L’Amour.  His heroes always sat tall in the saddle, were ruggedly handsome, with a few days’ growth of a beard, and could best be described as wide in the shoulder and narrow in the hip.  The quintessential hero would mind his own business and seldom speak; he never backed down from a fight and always stood up for the defenseless.  The hero of a Louis L’Amour novel was a man of honor.  Years ago, the editor of my local paper, Rob Jenkins, hailed his father for giving him books to read that “portrayed men behaving decently.”  He summed up the lessons from these fictional Western heroes like this:

• Any decent man would rather die than lay one finger on a woman in anger.
• Men are responsible for protecting women and children from those who would do them physical harm.
• Real men do not treat women like objects and shun men who do.
• Keeping your word is the most important thing of all.
• Men don’t go looking for trouble, but they also don’t back down when they, or those too weak to protect themselves, are being threatened.
• Men don’t like calling attention to themselves, but they are not afraid to stand up and be counted when circumstances warrant — even if they’re standing alone.

Mr. Jenkins reminded me of how good fiction can shape one’s imagination and offer strong role models for how men should act, especially when faced with rude, inappropriate, and bad behavior.

Whether it be the fictional heroes of Louis L’Amour or the real-life role models I have watched throughout my life, I have learned what a real man is and what behaviors I can expect to see in true masculinity, not toxic masculinity.

Here’s my list:

Real men pray.

Real men control their passions and emotions.

Real men find their strength in the Lord.

Real men honor God with their bodies.

Real men value purity.  

Real men do not watch porn.

Real men have a servant’s heart.

Real men take on the role of provider and protector.

Real men yell, “Women and children first to the lifeboats.”

Real men walk humbly with God.

Real men listen to understand.

Real men are faithful.

Real men keep their promises.

Real men act with integrity.

Real men apologize when they are wrong.

Real men treat people with respect.

Real men are gentlemen, but tough when needed.

Real men honor their wives.

Real men know how to love their wives — sacrificially.

A real man fulfills his masculine role best when he is a godly servant leader.  

Micah 6:8 reminds us to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God.”  Ladies, find a man who does this, and you will find a man who displays the best of what masculinity is all about.

A real man may not always resemble the characters in a Louis L’Amour novel, who sit tall in a saddle and are wide in the shoulder and narrow in the hip.  That’s a relief, as I cannot ride a horse and can only be described as wide in the shoulder and wide in the hip.  But a real man is one who recognizes what is true, beautiful, and good.  

Ladies, the man of your dreams may not ride up on a horse or be a knight with shining armor. He may be just a man who does the right thing when no one is looking.  Find that man, and you will have found a real man.